


One True Broken Heart

by Buka2000



Series: Lost Whispers [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Blood, Eventual Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Sadness, Will be happier later, slight depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-02 08:10:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11505237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buka2000/pseuds/Buka2000
Summary: The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chestand I will forever, 'cause you'll forever bemy one true broken heart, pieces inside of me and you'll forever, my baby be.Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.Still, I know I gave my level best.-----When the unexpected and tragic happens, can TJ and Nicklas deal with a blow that neither was prepared for?  And will they be able to get the happiness that they deserve as a couple?





	1. Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> The lyrics I used in the summary and the title of the first chapter are from Dave Matthews Band. Baby Blue for the summary, and Say Goodbye for the title. Baby Blue is from the Big Whiskey and The GrooGrux King album. Say Goodbye is from Crush. 
> 
> Lost Whispers is a title from a 2016 Evanescence CD that I found on AZ Lyrics, I don't own the CD. Only borrowing the title, no harm intended. 
> 
> This is sad, probably a whole tissue box worth. Well for me, it didn't help reading about Mojo leaving either when finishing this up. 
> 
> This is set in the 2015-16 season, with a few minor tweaks. I did keep Libby, but she won't be showing up until next chapter.
> 
> I'm also looking for a beta reader. As much as I hate admitting it, but I know not everyone is perfect. I can be contacted through Facebook, Skype, Twitter and Tumblr. I'm just on the first two more often.

February 2016 

“Are you absolutely sure? I didn’t think this was even possible.” Nicklas spoke, blinking as he stared at three tests lying on the hotel bathroom sink. All of them read the same thing, and all explained why his new partner had been acting off the last few weeks. “We have to get it checked out, make sure that you really are… I mean there are false positives. And are we ready for this? We haven’t been a couple that long yet.”

 

“I know we haven’t. But things happened after the bad loss we had, I’m sure everyone was looking for some sort of comfort. And we found ours… even if it did lead to something not entirely expected.” TJ replied, glancing over at Nicklas before he placed the tests in a plastic sandwich bag. Soon putting the plastic baggy in a paper bag, and trying to figure out where to put it. He didn’t want anyone to know about this, not until it was confirmed and everything proved to be okay. He didn’t even know how far along he was, so he was leery about getting too excited. 

 

“Osh, we haven’t even really started talking about children. If they were going to be a factor, I was hoping it wouldn’t be until later on down the road. I mean if you want to keep it, that’s totally fine with me.” Nicklas started, running his fingers through his hair. “What do we tell Trotz?” 

 

“Nicky, we’ll be okay.” TJ spoke softly, looking up at Nicklas. It was obvious that he was shaken by the news, which was understandable. “Can we wait until we get back to DC, or go to a hospital here and bring the paperwork back to Washington?” 

 

“We’ll look for a doctor when we get back home, we’ll be heading back in a few hours and I’ll take you to the hospital. We should try to keep it on the down low, just so no one knows yet.” Nicklas started, watching his partner. “Please don’t tell me you’re taking those with us.”

 

“No, I’m not taking them with us. They’d be faded by the time we get home; I just don’t want anyone to find them. I’ll probably throw them away by the time we get to the airport.” TJ replied, finally heading out into the room to finish packing up his bag before he put the baggy in one of the outside compartments that was on the bag. 

 

“They won’t know whose tests those are.” Nicklas managed a smile, following the other out of the hotel room and down the hallway to the elevator. “Of course then again if they were thrown away here, it would get everywhere. And we know how Toronto is… they’re worse than any hockey city in the states. Everything is under a microscope.”

 

“If anything they’d probably say that you were.” TJ laughed, shaking his head as they went into the elevator. “That would be funny, but not true. And then we’d have every single reporter hovering around us.”

 

“We probably will anyway. If it’s been a month or two, you’d start showing pretty soon. Then it will be bump watch 2016.” Nicklas smiled, moving his arm around TJ’s waist.

 

March 2016

 

Nearly a month and a half later, and both TJ and Nicklas were getting more excited for their new arrival. Even the upcoming games seemed to take a backseat to their excitement, although once they were on the ice it was all hockey first and baby second. The one game they were most excited for, aside from the usual final rivalry game of the regular season between themselves and the Penguins, was the one facing St. Louis which was a mere three days away. TJ was looking forward to it because it was the first game he had facing his former team, and they also had a game in St. Louis a month after the first meeting of the year. 

 

They had just arrived at Kettler for optional morning skate, so not a lot of their teammates were around for the skate, but would definitely be around for warm-ups and other pregame activities. Ovi was there of course, along with the rest of the top six and Braden. And so far the morning seemed to be going well, and any aches that TJ felt he figured was normal since his doctor said minor aches were okay since it was the body getting itself ready for a growing baby. He was limited to very light to no contact, considering his pregnancy and the fact no one really anything to happen. And definitely not in front of thousands of fans that would attend the next home game. 

 

A half hour into the skate and practice something started to feel off, and not in a good way. TJ tried his best to ignore it and work on his shootout drills with Braden as goaltender. He knew that Braden can usually read him, but he always tried to change things up a bit so goaltenders couldn’t see what he was doing, and try to freeze them. He was setting himself up for his third shot against Braden, the first one went in and second missed, but he figured the third would go in since he was planning to go forehand, backhand and 5-hole. But suddenly he felt a sharp tinge of pain, causing him to double over before he tried to stand back up. He also felt something starting to run down the inside of his legs, but he couldn’t see anything on the ice, and he figured no one else could either. No blood, nothing visible. 

 

Nicklas blinked, hearing a somewhat pained moan as he looked over toward TJ who was doubled over in pain. He didn’t know what was going on, but it definitely wasn’t good. It wasn’t often someone was in pain just from setting up for another shootout run, especially not his partner. He didn’t know why he was in so much pain; he didn’t see a hit from one of their teammates. Unless it was an after effect from the game last night, he was hit in the boards pretty hard by a much larger defenseman. But if it was that, he would have felt it last night after the adrenaline from the game wore off. 

 

“What is it?” Nickas frowned, skating over next to TJ before gently putting a gloved hand against his back. He had never seen that look before, it was one of fear and probably more pain than he had ever felt in his life. He looked down on the ice, not really seeing anything odd before he helped his partner down to the locker room. “Can you tell me?” 

 

“Hurts like hell…” TJ spoke quietly, feeling a lot of pain but also feeling nauseous from the pain and a mix of other things. He knew he wasn’t feeling well enough to continue the practice, so he moved to change out of his gear and get changed back into his clothes once they got into the locker room, and before they went to see what was going on. He went to sit down on the bench to unlace his skates, and the pain seemed to get a little worse as he bent over. 

 

“Hold on, let me help.” Nicklas spoke gently, untying his partner’s skates before he slowly removed them and put them aside so he could work on helping TJ get the rest of his gear off. But soon his face fell as he removed the socks and started to take off the shin guards. “Shit… Osh, we have to get you to the hospital. I’ll have someone call for an ambulance; I can’t get you there in time in the car.” 

 

“Wait… what?” TJ spoke quietly, looking down at his partner before he saw blood all over Nicklas’ hands, and he thought he felt some moving down his legs earlier. But what the hell was going on? Why was there so much blood and why was he in so much pain? Then a horrific realization came to him, and he lowered his head, closing his eyes tightly and his shoulders started to shake in silent sobs. It was from the hit last night, he could have prevented it. Skated out of the way and gone toward the net, but no… Phaneuf had other plans. “No…” 

 

Nicklas frowned, seeing Alex come into the locker room. “Sasha, can you have Trotz call for an ambulance? It’s an emergency. I really don’t think you want to take us in your car, you’ll have blood everywhere.” 

 

“I drive your truck, ambulance take too long.” Alex spoke, holding his hand out for Nicklas to toss him the keys. “You carry Osh, it will be okay. I’ll stay with you two, you’re friends and teammates. What captain would leave when he’s needed?” 

 

“Thanks…” Nicklas spoke, carefully picking TJ up bridal style after he tossed Alex the keys. It may have been unconventional, and TJ looked like he was in a considerable amount of pain, and borderline close to passing out. But he hoped that Alex could drive the truck as fast as he possibly could to the hospital, he knew the worst was happening. He just couldn’t lose TJ also, not with all the blood that was on the floor, his arms and shirt. 

 

\-------

 

After what felt like an eternity, and probably much longer, the three arrived at the hospital in relatively record pace. They didn’t even wait for a wheelchair; Nicklas carried TJ in while Alex looked for someone to help them. Of course the sight of someone in a gray T-shirt covered in blood would definitely get attention from everyone, even some unwanted attention. But Nicklas ignored the stares and mutterings; he was more focused on getting his partner some help. 

 

“Can we get some help?!” Nicklas called out, seeing a nurse with a doctor running behind her. The doctor definitely wasn’t TJ’s, but the nurse looked a little familiar. He then saw Alex coming back with someone wheeling a gurney over toward them. He was grateful for the gurney, and carefully placed his partner on it, knowing he probably looked like he killed someone. 

 

“We’ll bring him right down to the trauma bay. Can you tell me what happened?” The doctor asked, looking up at Nicklas as they wheeled TJ down the hall. “Was he cut with a skate?”

 

“No… he’s pregnant. I don’t know what is going on…” Nicklas sighed, seeing them turn the gurney down toward the OB section instead of the trauma area. Of course what was happening would be classified as one, but he didn’t have any external cuts or lacerations. The only thing visible on the outside was a bruise forming under his eye, which would probably end up being a reminder of what happened along with the realization that their baby was more than likely gone. 

 

“Did he take any hits or did something happen recently that might have caused this to happen? But I do want to prepare you for the worst, this much blood… I doubt the baby is still with us.” The doctor spoke as carefully as he could. He knew this would be traumatic enough for someone, but he also didn’t want to sugar coat it. 

 

“He was hit into the boards by a guy bigger than him last night, but TJ was fine after the game. And he didn’t really complain about much pain before bed, just something about his lower back. I just figured it was because of the baby growing and things like that.” Nicklas spoke carefully, holding TJ’s hand. He could tell his partner was out of it, mostly from shock and the blood loss. But he also wanted to be there when the realization hit him. 

 

“Let me examine him okay, if you have anyone you’re with you can wait outside. I’ll call for you when I’m done.” The doctor explained, not really knowing how close the two were. All he knew was the young man was pregnant and losing the baby, but he didn’t know the relationship between the blond with blood all over his shirt and the young man.

 

“I’m not leaving him.” Nicklas spoke, practically giving the doctor a death glare. He knew he was intense on the ice, and the stare could probably also qualify as one of his determined ones before a face off. 

 

“Look, the longer we delay this, the longer we delay treatment. Please, wait outside. I will come out and tell you my findings when I’m done.” The doctor spoke firmly, all but ushering the taller man out of the room. 

 

\-----

 

Nicklas muttered under his breath, sitting next to Alex as he unknowingly was also cursing in Swedish. Where was Anya? This was the hospital she works in, so why didn’t she come down? He had half a mind to get up and drag her down to the maternity wing so she could tell the not so nice doctor what her concerns were, and what their relationship was. 

 

“Nicky, getting upset with doctor won’t help. Where is your doctor?” Alex asked carefully, putting a hand on Nicklas’ back. He knew this was bad, and he also knew how badly his best friend wanted to be with TJ. “Osh will be fine.” 

 

“You don’t know that…” Nicklas frowned, glancing up at Alex. “That much blood isn’t good, Sasha. He was in a lot of pain. I don’t think the baby is alive anymore. And that is going to hurt him more than anything.” 

 

“You can try again, have another baby.” Alex spoke gently, knowing that Nicklas was probably heartbroken. He didn’t even know how TJ would act, but probably much worse when he realizes what happened. “Maybe not this year, but you have another baby. Good hockey baby.”

 

Nicklas laughed sadly, trying to brush away the tears with the back of his hand. “Yeah… we’ll see. Any baby we have will be a good hockey baby… maybe a player others will be scared of. Be like Osh in the shootouts…” 

 

“It’s okay to be sad. I won’t say you cried, it’s our secret.” Alex smiled; of course on the inside he was sad too. Sure, the baby was a surprise, but he would have loved to see a tiny baby in his friend’s arms with either green or bluish gray eyes looking up at him. But of course there would be other chances, just not right now. “You and Osh can cry, I promise I won’t say you did.” 

 

Nicklas nodded, soon hearing footsteps and thankfully seeing a welcome figure in front of himself and Alex instead of the doctor he disliked more than anyone who wasn’t on a rival team. He just had a bad feeling that Anya would be confirming his worst fears, but might have a tiny bit of good news despite everything else.

 

“I’m sorry.” Anya spoke carefully, looking between Alex and Nicklas. There really no words to tell him what happened, or how his partner was doing. And they didn’t even know each other that long, only the short time that TJ was her patient. “We couldn’t do anything.”

 

“How is TJ? He lost a lot of blood.” Nicklas asked, wanting to stand up and run down the hall to check on his partner. He didn’t want to lose him too, not after everything they had been through the last few months.

 

“He can go home maybe tomorrow, depends on how he feels.” Anya replied, knowing this part was the hardest to say for her. Only because she didn’t know that much English, and she wasn’t sure how much Russian the younger man knew. 

 

“He won’t be feeling good for awhile, Anya. Can I see him?” Nicklas questioned again, finally deciding to stand up so he could look her in the eye and then head down to check on TJ. “And the baby, its gone isn’t it?” 

 

“I’m afraid so. It was a total miscarriage, but we have to keep an eye on him because of the amount of blood.” Anya started, gauging Nicklas’ reaction. “After he goes home, he needs to rest. And I will check up on him in a few days. And you can see him, but please let him rest if he is still tired.”

 

Nicklas just nodded, heading down the hall as fast as he could. He mentally made a promise to Alex that he’d let him know how TJ was doing, but right now this was between them. He didn’t want anyone else with them right now. He wanted to be alone, and he hoped that others would understand. Although he did feel bad leaving his friend alone in the waiting area, he just didn’t want anyone else to see them in a vulnerable state. 

 

\-----

 

“You should change your shirt…” TJ spoke quietly, opening his eyes halfway as he glanced over at Nicklas, his hands resting over his stomach. “You look like you killed someone…”

 

“I didn’t bring a change of clothes, Osh. Unless you want me to run back down to Kettler and get my bag. We left in a hurry remember? And I doubt anyone wants to see me shirtless.” Nicklas spoke gently, bringing a chair over to the bedside. 

 

“True… but I know one person that wouldn’t mind.” TJ nodded, lowering his gaze before closing his eyes again. A very faint smirk crossing his lips, although his mind really wasn’t in a good place right now.

 

“You can talk to me, what is going through your mind?” Nicklas asked carefully, holding his hand gently. “I know you’re not focusing on what is going on; I don’t blame you though. I just haven’t seen you so out of it before.” 

 

“Would you be focusing on this?” TJ sighed, carefully turning over onto his side so he could face Nicklas. “It’s my fault… if I had known the hit was coming, I would have tried to get out of the way or do something to avoid it. I could have sidetracked and gone toward center ice… It’s my fault that our baby isn’t with us… when he or she should still be safely swimming around in its own waterbed.” 

 

Nicklas sighed, running his fingers through TJ’s hair before placing a gentle kiss on the other’s lips. He was heartbroken too, and he also knew he probably wasn’t as accepting at first over this. Since it came as a big surprise during a road trip, but over the last 14 weeks it had started to grow on him. He even talked to Marcus about teaching the baby how to skate, preferably on a frozen lake if they ever went to Sweden. Or heck, even Minnesota since TJ said that Warroad was basically ice the majority of the winter that seemed to last forever. So it was sort of like a small bit of Sweden in Minnesota in a way.

 

“It wasn’t your fault. Phaneuf was going for you, there was no way you could see that coming.” Nicklas spoke gently, still holding TJ’s hand. “It was a blind hit and he should have gotten more than 2 minutes for it. I know he didn’t, and that is messed up. He should have gotten 5 and a game misconduct for charging, his feet left the ice. As for if I’d be focusing on what happened? I’d probably be like you and try to forget it happened. It’s going to be difficult, I know.” 

 

“You weren’t the one pregnant! How do you know how difficult it’s going to be?” TJ spoke, wanting to sit up but he was still in a bit of pain. “I was looking forward to a lot of things, and don’t lie and say you weren’t looking forward to the same things.”

 

“Skating on the ice? Showing a 1 month old baby how to do your shootout moves?” Nicklas spoke quietly, but caught a small smile on TJ’s lips despite the obvious anger and sadness in his eyes. “We can try again. Not right now, you need time to heal. And we have to find the right time, but we will have another baby. He or she will not replace the little peanut we lost, and I don’t want to do that. But we both deserve a chance to be parents, the best hockey parents ever.”

 

“You were talking to Alex.” TJ smiled sadly, holding Nicklas’ hand. “Anya said to give it a year, depending on how I recover. I wouldn’t dream of replacing our peanut… it’s not my intention to. But yes… those were two of the things I was looking forward to. “

 

“Maybe I was.” Nicklas smiled a little, knowing that it was okay for TJ to be angry and upset over what happened. He didn’t bother to tell him that yelling wasn’t the answer and to relax, of course all he wanted to do was yell also. And scream, and possibly contact Phaneuf somehow and ask him what the hell he was thinking when he gave TJ the hit and in turn killed their baby. “When we play Ottawa again, Phaneuf is going down for what he did. If I tell Tom, he’ll do it and make it look like an incidental hit, even though for us it’s paying him back for this.” 

 

“Don’t you do it; you’re a little heavier than me but nowhere as muscular as Tom is. He can give a few nasty hits in his own right.” TJ sighed, wanting to go to sleep. That was it. They’d mourn and grieve, and eventually start their family again. “I’m angry too… but revenge isn’t the way. Peanut wouldn’t want that… If you see Vladi, tell him I’ll see him next month in St. Louis.” 

 

“I’ll tell him. But I want you to rest, that is pretty much all you can do right now. Don’t go back until the doctor gives the okay, and not until you’re ready.” Nicklas spoke softly, brushing TJ’s hair back. This was going to be difficult for them, but he knew they had their friends and teammates behind them. “And please, don’t be afraid to talk to anyone. I’m here, Ovi is here. We’re all here for you. Also, it’s okay to cry. It’s just us right now, I told Anya to give us a few moments to ourselves.”

 

Nicklas frowned lightly; watching his partner curl up a little more into himself if that was even possible. Even with the good pain meds he was probably on, it probably still hurt a little bit. He didn’t blame him for wanting to curl up and pretend this wasn’t happening, and if he had a turtle shell he’d probably be hiding in it for awhile. “Come on… talk to me. It’s just me, I promise. I’m just as sad and angry as you are about this. You can cry, scream… everything I want to do right now. Hell, I’m supposed to be the strong one. If anything, I blame myself too. If I saw what Phaneuf was doing, if I saw him picking up speed I would have checked him into the boards to get him away from you. And I’m sorry that I didn’t do that.”

 

TJ looked up at Nicklas, carefully turning his head. His eyes were definitely red and puffy, tears freshly falling down his cheeks with a few streaks left behind and dots on the pillow. He wanted to be angry at the Swede, but he couldn’t bring himself to yell at him let alone be angry at him. “I want to be angry at you… while they were poking and prodding, and doing an ultrasound, I was wondering why the hell you didn’t do something. But you aren’t the one that did this… and I can’t bring myself to be angry at you. All I want is to be home in our bed, away from all of this…”

 

“Tomorrow… I promise.” Nicklas spoke softly, carefully holding his hand. “Just let it out. It’s not good for you to bottle this up, trust me. And I was thinking of going somewhere nice for next winter, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” 

 

TJ finally let himself break down, carefully sitting up and moving his arms around Nicklas, the IV and other tubes be damned. He didn’t want to pull the IV out, but right now he just wanted to be with his partner. To hold onto him and not let him go. Right now the fun loving, jumping off the ice, catching pucks on a stick blade, shootout specialist TJ Oshie wasn’t there. He felt broken, like there had to have been something he could have done differently. He nuzzled his face into Nicklas’ shoulder, letting the tears fall and get soaked into the fabric of the other’s blood stained shirt. The realization finally hitting, instead of an adorable baby with chubby little fingers and toes, he was left with nothing. There would be no baby in September, the only thing they had was pre-season and the World Cup. 

 

“It’s okay…” Nicklas rubbed TJ’s back gently, holding him as carefully as he could without jostling wires and IV tubes that were connected to him. Soon he felt himself finally break down; he closed his eyes and just held onto his partner. They were both devastated by something that could have been prevented. He was just more determined to do better and win for Peanut, and the team, and of course TJ. Right now they were both alone in their own world, wanting to drown everything out. Little did he know that things would eventually start to turn in their favor.


	2. Castle of Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fly me up on a silver wing  
> Past the black where the sirens sing  
> Warm me up in a nova's glow  
> And drop me down to the dream below
> 
> 'Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass  
> Hardly anything there for you to see  
> For you to see
> 
> Bring me home in a blinding dream,  
> Through the secrets that I have seen  
> Wash the sorrow from off my skin  
> And show me how to be whole again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think my computer hates me... 
> 
> This is my fifth attempt at posting the last chapter for this fic. 
> 
> Also I used some lyrics from Castle of Glass because they sum up pretty much how TJ is feeling after all of this.

April 2016

It had been a little over a month since the miscarriage, and TJ was still having somewhat of a hard time coping with the loss. He had been cleared to play against St. Louis, there was absolutely no way he was going to miss facing his former team for the first time in his old arena. He missed their visit to DC for very painful reasons he didn’t want to remember, but reminders were still there. The checks with Anya, and the discussion he had between himself and Nicklas the night before in their hotel room. And now they were getting ready to go back out on the ice in a few hours, but he also had an obligation later on that day to meet up with a young girl that was upset over him leaving the team a few months earlier, he did promise to see her after all. So maybe that would help make him feel a little better. 

 

But he also knew it would be almost impossible to feel totally better, not so soon after it happened. He still needed time to himself, and he really didn’t want to hear any more people saying it will be okay, they didn’t understand. He didn’t get how they could say it would be okay, especially if it was someone that was expecting who told him that. “Yeah… it will be okay. For the one that’s pregnant… I’d be 4 months now if I still was….”

 

“She didn’t mean anything by it.” Nicklas frowned, knowing that TJ was entering the anger phase of grief. The Swede was still in the denial phase, but slowly getting to the anger phase himself. He knew it would probably take awhile to get to the acceptance part, not that there would be acceptance for it. At least not for quite awhile. “People don’t know what to say in these situations.”

 

“But how the hell did she know? We didn’t release that information. It was written in as the flu, and the only people who knew what was going on were Trotz, Ovi and of course us.” TJ sighed, glancing at the clock. He knew it was almost time to head down to Scottrade Center, even though he honestly didn’t want to. “Or did McLellan find out somehow? And he had to say why his new forward wasn’t playing his former team.”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe you had the look of someone that just lost a baby on your face, or it was mother’s intuition.” Nicklas suggested, right now at a loss on how to make TJ feel better. Or at least get his mind off the woman’s statement from the other night. “Look, we have to head down to Scottrade. Try not to let that bother you, especially around Libby. She doesn’t know, and she doesn’t have to. She’s looking forward to meeting you, especially after that package that you sent her.”

 

“But that woman will have a baby… we won’t.” TJ shook his head, his eyes half narrowed as he turned to get dressed for the trip to the arena. And he was still depressed that one of his nicest suits still fit him, he didn’t even have that much time to get a belly. So no one would even know he used to be pregnant. 

 

“Osh, just drop it okay? I get that you are pissed, I am too. Yes, she will have a baby. But listen to me; listen to Sasha, any of us. They will tell you what I’m about to tell you.” Nicklas sighed, watching his partner get dressed before pulling on his blazer. “Give it time. Your body is not ready to try again yet, it’s only been a month. Your uterus still has to heal, and we have to get the okay from Anya. But we will have a baby again, I promise you that. I can’t say when, but we will.”

 

“Screw that…” TJ huffed, heading out of the room. He decided to wait for Nicklas, even though part of him just wanted to get the hell away and into the team bus to head to Scottrade. “Do you think I don’t know it’s been a month?! And what if she says we can’t have a baby? That something is broken and we’d end up having to adopt or get a surrogate?”

 

Nicklas sighed, putting his boyfriend’s shoulders up against the wall. He was getting tired of this, he knew TJ was angry but this was not like him. He didn’t put him against the wall hard enough to make others think he was intentionally trying to hurt TJ, but it was enough to hopefully scare him a little bit. 

 

“Listen to yourself!” Nicklas spoke, turning TJ’s head so he was looking at him. “Don’t make me use your full name. Nothing is broken, Anya said you were fine. You didn’t have a DNC; you will be able to have another chance. You need time to heal, and we both need time to grieve. Right now you have a little girl that was upset when you left, and you sent her something from your heart. She looks up to you, Libby will not like it if she sees you angry at the world. That is not the TJ Oshie she knows and loves from when you were with the Blues. Just try to be happy to be there. If you’re still angry, leave it on the ice or back here.”

 

TJ sighed, but nodded as Nicklas finally removed his hands from his shoulders. He knew he was being irrational, and Libby did seem like a sweet kid. He moved his fingers through his hair before walking with the other toward the bus, and tried to be sure that no one could see what was going on. He was more than ready to play tonight, and if anything he might take his anger out on his former teammates, with a few exceptions. If it was someone he didn’t know, then they were fair game to him. His friends he’d leave alone, but of course on the ice he’d still block shots and such from them. 

 

\-----

 

Nicklas hung back as he watched his partner, smiling as he saw a genuine smile on his face. He was glad to see Libby so happy too; it was hard to watch the video that had been posted pretty much everywhere after TJ left. He knew his partner was loved in Washington, he just didn’t think he was loved more here. Libby’s video proved that though, with how heartbroken she was when she found out about TJ being traded to Washington. But he also hoped he’d stay in the DC area, however he also knew that hockey was very fickle and team owners are always looking for youth. Not forwards and wingers that are pushing 30, or over 30 years old. But he tried not to think about that, there was still another season with his partner to go. 

 

He was also happy to see that TJ got a poster from Libby, so that would probably make him feel a little better for the night. He knew they still had quite a long way to go before they were totally okay with what happened. He smiled as he saw them get interviewed and get a picture taken before Libby went off with her parents, complete with Capitals bows in her hair and a small version of TJ’s jersey on. Soon his partner was coming back with the poster and an actual smile on his face. And that was probably the first time he had seen TJ have a true smile on his face in months. “Told you she’d be happy, she handled it really well for seeing you in person for the first time.”

 

“She was adorable, and I am glad that I made her so happy. I’ve seen happy kids before, even on opening night. And the fan events we did after I came to DC. I didn’t know she loved me that much, it was too cute. But I’m pretty sure I made her night.” TJ smiled, joining back up with Nicklas before they headed off to get ready for the game. 

 

“It’s nice to see you smiling, even if it is for a short time. I miss your smile.” Nicklas spoke gently, heading into the visitor’s locker room with his partner. “Maybe I should yell at you more often.”

 

“Oh, not that.” TJ grinned, looking over his shoulder. “That won’t help at all. I did need a little sense knocked into me though. But I say we focus on the game, and worry about other things later.”

 

“That sounds more like you.” Nicklas smiled, closing the doors behind them once they got into the locker room. He hoped that TJ would continue his warm up traditions once they got out on the ice, and keep his mind focused on the game. They had plenty of time to talk about other stuff. 

 

June 2016

 

TJ glanced around the locker room; everyone was pissed off and for good reason. He hadn’t been with the team that long, but unfortunately he was used to second round exits. And it really wasn’t helping him try to come to terms with the loss he and Nicklas suffered only 4 months earlier. Sure, the President’s Trophy was good and he was proud to be part of one of the best teams in the NHL. But he and everyone else wanted the 35 pound, three foot tall trophy they could skate around with, eat cereal out of and get their names inscribed upon. Every hockey player wanted that trophy; it was the holy grail of all sports honestly. Even non hockey fans understood and knew exactly what the Stanley Cup was, and what it meant to players. 

 

And honestly, he didn’t want to be part of tear down day which was only a few days away. He’d have to give an exit interview, just like everyone else did. And say how they were so close, but ended up falling to their much maligned rivals. He figured they would still have a chance, everyone was still young and Ovi was doing really well, having won the Richard trophy already for having the most goals out of anyone in the regular season. But how much rebuilding would they do? Who would leave and who would still be with them in the new season? He also ran out of things to say, he didn’t know how things were handled around here but he had said pretty much the same thing in St. Louis after elimination games. 

 

“You have rival TJ? Like how we hate Penguins, who you hate when in St. Louis?” Alex asked, he could tell the younger was still quite upset like everyone else was. But it was also his duty as captain to see how his team was, and if they needed to get things of their chests. He hurt too, but he would vent to Kuzy or Dmitry in Russian, and then head to Moscow to get ready for the World Cup in three months. “And you go to World Cup?”

 

“Chicago.” TJ spoke gently, glancing up at the slightly older Russian. But he managed to crack a faint smile, figuring this was Ovi’s way of trying to get him out of his shell. He was part of fierce rivalry games before, but this was probably one of the worst he’d seen. But he was happy with his hat trick in the start of the Penguins series; he just wished it had ended differently. And of course the incident in Philadelphia in the first round was horrible, he didn’t understand how people would disrespect the memory of their deceased owner in the way they did. “And I am going to the World Cup; I’ve been looking forward to it. Maybe we’ll face you again.”

 

“Oh no, not again.” Alex grinned, seeing everyone pick up their belongings. “You beat us in Olympics; don’t want to get beat again. And I don’t think Bob wants to see you again. Then we’ll see everyone when we come back, play hearts out. Get Cup next season and get big parade down Constitution.” 

 

“Never know. Bob still can’t figure me out.” TJ managed a faint smile before he glanced up at Nicklas. He knew his partner was going to represent Sweden, and he was pretty anxious to wear the 74 again with the US colors. “And that’s when we play Columbus. If I don’t see you for the World Cup, I’ll see you when we get back. Start fresh with a new season and new attitude, and maybe we’ll finally get what all of us want.”

 

“Damn right.” Alex grinned, watching the others file out of the locker room. He also knew that TJ and Nicklas had other things on their mind as well, and maybe they would finally get what they deserve too. “I feel next season is time for new beginnings. New team, new everything. We play best hockey and beat Penguins.”

 

Nicklas smiled, having a feeling he knew what else TJ was thinking about. And it wasn’t just a new team or potentially winning the Cup next season, he just hoped that Alex was right. That next season was full of new beginnings for the team and maybe for him and TJ too. They just had to get the okay from Anya, and wait a few more months before doing that. But he could tell TJ was already getting anxious, and unfortunately it had to take a loss from their most hated rival to really drive that home.

 

“I probably won’t see you until after the World Cup.” Nicklas spoke softly. It was going to be difficult, but he usually did go home to Sweden after the season ended. And he had to get ready to represent his country with other Swedes that were planning to attend. “Will you be okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I have friends and family. I’ll be getting ready myself, never know… I could look different when you see me again. And we may see each other there, so don’t think I’ll stay away from you forever.” TJ grinned, finishing up his packing before he turned to leave the locker room with Nicklas. He was going to miss his partner; he knew they weren’t together long at all. But he couldn’t help but still miss him when he was going away to play for his country. 

 

“We’ll see everyone next season.” Braden spoke up, he was one of the goalies in the World Cup but he wasn’t sure if he’d actually see ice time or not. He sighed softly as he headed out, knowing he had a few media obligations before finally leaving Verizon and heading home to practice and prepare himself. 

 

October 2016

 

“And why the hell are we their home opener?” Nicklas muttered under his breath. He stood next to TJ and Alex while the others were also on the ice. He knew what was happening, and everyone else did too. The crowd was cheering, but he also heard a few well placed boos as some of the players came out on the ice. The loudest cheer though was of course their least favorite opposing player who seemed to have a thing for them, and it was most definitely not a good thing. 

 

“The scheduling gods are against us.” TJ sighed, watching a large box on the ice open up. And through the dry ice and other effects, he had to turn his head as a large banner soon emerged from the box and was slowly lifted upwards toward the rafters. “I think somehow whoever does the scheduling wants to rub the salt in the wound, making us watch them lift the Championship banner.” 

 

“Are you okay?” Nicklas asked gently. “I’m sure this was planned long before they won the Cup. And look at the bright side, Sidney is out. So we won’t have the Sidney Crosby vs Alex Ovechkin ghost floating over us tonight."

 

“That’s true. But it just sucks… Crosby won gold in the World Cup, and we got kicked out long before we had a chance to face Canada.” TJ shook his head, watching the banner get lifted high into the rafters and saw Crosby with the cup. He lowered his head while holding his stick, trying to get focused on the game, and not the fact that the one banner the Capitals don’t have hanging in the rafters at Verizon was the Stanley Cup Champions. This could be their year after all, they were stacked. Had lots of good talent and everyone looked like they could finally do something to overcome the hurdle that was literally standing in front of them.

 

“I know it does. And I know it didn’t make us feel better with him skating out, holding the Cup in his hands. Like ‘Look what we did!’ I wanted to get that smirk off his face, but then I’d probably be fined for harming an injured Crosby.” Nicklas sighed, shifting his weight on his feet while they waited for the game to get started. 

 

TJ just grinned, staying close enough to Nicky to make it not look like they were together. Of course they were, but the entire PPG Paints Arena didn’t really need to know that. They weren’t at this time last year anyway, so it would be a good surprise if people did figure it out. For now he’d just keep it secret, occasionally glancing at his partner. But he also had other things on his mind, aside from trying to ignore the banner and think about the rest of their season. 

 

\-----

 

“There is something else on your mind.” Nicklas spoke gently, finally heading into the house with TJ after a long trip back from Pittsburgh. He knew they lost that game, even with Crosby out, the Penguins managed to win. He had a feeling Malkin had something to do with it. He was filling in for the other, and doing a pretty darn good job at it, at least for the Penguins. “It isn’t about us losing either.”

 

“I didn’t even see you much last month… you remember what it would have been right?” TJ asked, taking off his jacket and shoes before he headed to the stairs. He knew what it was, but he couldn’t be with Nicklas on a certain date last month because they were representing their different countries. And Sweden was nowhere near the US side when the tournament got started. “We only saw each other in passing, and when we finally got back home.” 

 

“No, I remember.” Nicklas spoke softly, following TJ upstairs before leading the other to the bedroom. They were both too tired for anything more than just talking and cuddling, and there was nothing wrong with that. They had needed a lot of reassurance over the last few months, and this time was no different. 

 

“I think it hit me after we got eliminated. The day after that was when Peanut was supposed to be due. Karl understood because we were on the same team for World Cup like we are here, but we pretty much kept it silent. No one else needed to know, half of everyone else is on rival teams.” TJ sighed, watching Nicklas before he got ready for bed. “And we didn’t announce the miscarriage for the entire NHL to know about, it was kept between us and the team. That’s it.”

 

“I know. But I think if we do get pregnant again, everyone is going to know. It will be really hard to not tell everyone.” Nicklas grinned, changing into his night clothes before moving over to his side of the bed. “That and when you start showing, it will be difficult to hide. Maybe not at first, but when you get to a certain point.”

 

“I could try to hide it under the sweaters. They’re bulky as it is, so I doubt anyone could tell.” TJ managed a smile before lying down on his side of the bed. “But we still have awhile before that happens, we can probably see Anya in a month or two. See what she says.” 

 

December 2016 

 

Nicklas actually smiled, chuckling to himself as he watched his partner literally drag him into Anya’s office at the hospital. He didn’t know why he was so excited; she had said they couldn’t start trying again for a year. And it hadn’t been a year yet since they lost Peanut, just 9 months. And that would be another reason why he was confused on why TJ was happy, he was pretty upset in September from what he remembered. At least for the few times they saw each other. But he didn’t question him; instead he decided to follow him into the waiting room. 

 

“You don’t have to come in with me. It’s probably not going to be all that interesting to see when she does the check, there isn’t anything in there. So it’s not like we’re watching a baby or checking for a heartbeat.” TJ spoke softly, glad there weren’t that many people around. How awkward would that be if some random Capitals fan happened to end up in the same waiting room as them? And probably more awkward if they heard their conversation. 

 

“Well I want to know if everything is okay in there. Like was there a lot of scarring, or anything that could keep you from trying again?” Nicklas spoke quietly, moving his arm around TJ’s shoulders as they waited to get called back. It was Christmas break, so any good news would be a good present. He didn’t even really want material things, he just wanted his partner and another chance to try and grow their family. 

 

“Anya can tell you.” TJ spoke gently, really unsure if Nicklas wanted to be standing there while Anya did her thing. “I seriously doubt you’ll be interested, I’ll probably catch you looking at the posters.”

 

Nicklas chuckled softly, soon turning his head as he heard a nurse call them back. “I’m not staying out here, what if she says bad news? You’ll need me won’t you?”

 

“Alright. But no playing with the fetus in the model.” TJ grinned, walking toward the back with Nicklas and the nurse. “I remember you did that before we lost Peanut.”

 

“How was I supposed to know it would fall out?” Nicklas huffed, but went into the room with his partner while they waited for Anya to meet up with them. “Besides, I got you to laugh.”

 

TJ shook his head, getting up on the table while waiting for Anya to enter the room. He had to love Nicklas, even after everything they had been through, he was still there. Not many people would be, some would just turn tail and run. He ran his fingers through his hair nervously, hoping that things would start to look up.

 

“Oh you know you love me.” Nicklas grinned, soon seeing the door open and the familiar face of Anya smiling at them. “And there’s the good doctor.”

 

“Good doctor now?” Anya smiled, walking over to the table before she had TJ lie back. “For awhile you hated me, I was starting to think you found another doctor.”

 

“We’re slowly getting to the acceptance stage; the anger stage lasted awhile… It showed in St. Louis for sure.” TJ spoke softly, remembering he got some of his anger out on a player on the Blues he didn’t recognize by checking him into the stanchion by the bench. He wouldn’t have done that to a former friend and teammate, but he had no problem doing that to someone he didn’t know. 

 

“I saw that game.” Anya spoke gently, soon bringing the ultrasound over to the table, and moving a blanket over TJ’s lower half. “Can you turn the lights down, Nicklas? Thanks.”

 

Nicklas nodded, turning the lights down to a darker level before he walked back over to the table, moving to hold TJ’s hand. He kept his gaze focused on his partner instead of what Anya was doing, even if would potentially hold some sort of news for them. “He was pretty angry before the game too; it was his first time back after the miscarriage. And I guess we figured he would have still been pregnant when he met up with Libby if that didn’t happen.”

 

“About four months.” Anya nodded, looking at the monitor while she moved the internal probe around carefully. “But I’m glad that he didn’t get angry around Libby, we saw the clip of him with her and the little poster she made for him. That was adorable.”

 

“Yeah… I have it in the living room.” TJ spoke softly, looking up at the ceiling while he felt Nicklas hold his hand. He wondered what else Anya could have been looking for, the exam felt like it was taking a long time, even though she had just started a couple minutes earlier. 

 

“Just try to relax. I know you want to know right away, but I have to just check a few things. I’ll be done in about five more minutes; so far things look pretty good.” Anya spoke gently. “And how are you guys going to get the Cup this year?”

 

“Oh we’d love that.” Nicklas smiled, brushing TJ’s hair back. “We have to get past the Penguins. They always give us trouble, and I don’t really understand why. We’re evenly matched, and play the same fast, hard hitting style of hockey.”

 

“I’m sure we’ll get it eventually.” TJ replied, breathing out as he saw Anya move back and finally remove the probe. “Maybe this year, maybe next. But I’m confident we will win the Stanley Cup. It still stings from last season, and we had to watch them raise that damn banner...”

 

“Well everything looks good.” Anya smiled, watching the couple as Nicklas helped TJ sit up. “Only minimal scarring and the uterus looks good. No damage from the hit or the miscarriage. So you can probably start trying again in a month or two, or whenever you feel up to it. And if there are any problems, I’ll be happy to help as well.” 

 

“Thank you.” Nicklas smiled, walking with TJ out of the office. Now they had their future set, and they could start for their family again sooner than expected. But he didn’t want to do so right now, there was a lot to do and they still had a lot of hockey left to play before the post season and their new mandated break. But he figured that they would definitely start again soon, and who knows? Maybe the second time would be the charm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know what happens at the end of this, it leads into Easter Surprise.
> 
> Also in that fic there will be a slight upgrade in vehicles, but I'll post that in the next chapter. Let's just say a certain favorite player of mine got an awesome new vehicle.

**Author's Note:**

> As for TJ's eye color, I have honestly no idea. I've watched him in interviews, and CSN has good ones because they're like really close where you can see the player's eye color. Nicky I know has green eyes, but I'm not sure about TJ. It's like one day they look gray (which is really cool), other times they look like a cool bluish green or blue gray. 
> 
> This is actually set before Easter Surprise, and if you read chapter 7 and 8 you would have noticed TJ and Nicklas talking about it. Not in detail, but it still shakes them in the time frame that fic is set in. And this will also hopefully help shed some insight on why Nicklas is so worried about things in that story.


End file.
